Ah, Slimes. What could I possibly say about these little balls of goo? I fought Slimes on my very first adventure, and I expect to be fighting them on my very last. It seems these bouncing, grinning things are everywhere; I'm surprised Paulo or his little friend Lulu hasn't asked me to bring one home as a pet! Still, only specially trained Slimes can be pets; weak as they are, they're still monsters at heart. They do attack, though not very viciously. I hear rumors that there are much more powerful types of Slimes somewhere… I wonder what they're like? If Slimes were the worst problem I faced in dungeons, maybe there would be no need for me to go into dungeons…

I don't think I need to say that these things are hot! Very hot! They're made of bits and chips of volcanic rock, and are very tough. Let me tell you, being hit with the fist of one of these things isn't very fun; it's almost as bad as when Paulo used to jump on top of me in bed to wake me up when he was younger! Because they're made of living stone, Lavaman and its cousin Iceman have an odd ability: they can meld themselves with the floor and slide underneath you, so they can pop up behind your back! It's very confusing fighting them, because you have no idea where they'll turn up, if they'll stand their ground and attack or move behind you. Fortunately, I have a way to deal with them: I ask myself what an extremely active five year old would do in such a situation. My experience raising Paulo never leaves me with a wrong answer!

There's a reason why these beasts are so feared. The first dragon I ever met in my adventures was the weakest of the family, the green Dragon, and it was so powerful that I very nearly ran in terror! It's bad enough that Dragons have a vicious bite that can quickly weaken you, but they also breathe fire. This flame blazes across the room or hall until it strikes the first thing it comes across, which is usually you! I don't even want to think about the Blue and Red Dragons, which are even worse because… No, no, I shudder just remembering. Anyway, it's a sign of the Dragon's power that magicians created both a magical sword that severely harms dragons, AND a special shield that reduces the effect of their firebreathing. I hear that dragon scales and meat are highly prized in some places, because they're so hard to get… I know from experience why.

Little devils. No, I mean it, they really are little devils. They enjoy napping, but once they wake up, their true mischief reveals itself. Their special Babyfork Swords allow them to steal items! Once they grab what they want, they warp away to some other location on the dungeon floor, running around gleefully with YOUR treasure! Oooooh, that makes me angry! As a merchant, Demonites are just about the worst monsters I could ever imagine! How dare they steal my hard-earned items! Fortunately, you can chase them down and stomp them flat to get your possessions back. And if you can defeat them before they steal from you, you will even get a new item! So I suppose if you're properly equipped, Demonites can be a merchant's best friend. But if they so much as TOUCH me with those Babyforks, they'll be sorry!

The first time I saw a Hammerman, I thought, "What's this child wearing a hood doing in a dungeon? And carrying a huge mallet?" I quickly learned the error of my thinking when the "child" swung the hammer at me! Hard! Hammermen are brownies. No, not the rich dessert that Nina and I love so much! No, they are beings related to faeries, who've been twisted by evil magic. Now, they have fun running about and bashing your feet with a big hammer! Fortunately, even though they aren't children, they're a lot like children in important ways. For example, they need their naps. I've seen many a Hammerman defeated because I dropped in while they were sleeping. I used to feel bad about it, but after a Hammerman almost crushed my toes after I'd gotten caught in a Sleep Trap, I stopped feeling sorry for them!

Imagine a childhood bully (I imagine that mean Lalo, myself). Then imagine him twice as tall, three times larger, with orange skin, pointed ears, sharp teeth, and even less intelligence than before. That's the best way to describe a Troll. They're vicious, nasty, strong, and dumb. Their clubs are spiked, and VERY painful, I can tell you that! Oh, yes, their breath. Almost as bad as being hit by a Troll is being breathed on by one. The last time that happened, I completely lost my appetite! You can imagine what it must take for THAT to happen! Trolls can also pause to build their strength, allowing their next blow to be incredibly brutal. So how do you deal with them? Hit-and-run tactics work, but I like to avoid them entirely, myself. That breath is unbelievable!

Would I like Zombies better if they could injure me? Maybe. But they never actually hurt adventurers. Instead, they throw up. Yes, they throw up. A lot. Paulo once asked me if I could give them some of Nina's medicine to make them better. I had to explain that Zombies throw up to attack, not because they're sick; I'm not sure he understood that. So what does Zombie vomit do? Mostly, it rusts. Zombies rust weapons, while their cousins, the Horks, rust shields. I hear that they have other relatives with other abilities. Whether this is true or not, they are certainly disgusting. Worse yet, sometimes they can be revived by fellow zombie-family monsters. This can result in an endless string of Zombies, each one trying to make your hard-earned sword rust. Hmmm, maybe Paulo's idea isn't so bad after all…

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